i mentioned in my last post that things have changed, that JB and i have discussed taking down some of my long time limits. We have been doing this for a few months, i have struggled and i still do…but JB is there to help me through it all. He assured me He isn’t going anywhere and that look in His eyes is still there as strong as it has always been. Most of my doubts come from my own insecurities…from the way i was treated in my marriage. i worry that the further i go into that dark place, i have hidden away, that JB will be somehow freaked out by the freak in me and walk away. i know in my heart that it won’t happen, but my head is another thing entirely.
i don’t know what changes will occur on this blog, but i do know it won’t be the same as it always has been. The further we go the more emotions it stirs up…and i don’t know how much of that part of myself, i am willing to share here…but i will try but make no promises as to content .
So fear and trembling…hmmm. A few weeks ago an order of needles came in…slender ones for play piercing. They have been sitting in the closet, tormenting my mind…waiting to see what it would be like and fear of the unknown. Needles have been one of those things i could look at in pictures, but remained firmly on my HELL NO list. During a session a while back, one i wrote about in November…JB accidently drew blood with the wattenberg wheel. Since that time, we have talked about it, about how i felt when it happened, about how He felt and about wanting to do it again.
We had a session yesterday…another push past the limits session. JB used rope to tie me to the cross…He very seldom uses the rope. He said, while He was securing me, that He didn’t want me sagging like i do in just my cuffs…He was forcing my body to stay upright. He pressed His body against mine, i could feel the hard on, He brought with Him when He walked into the room, just before our session…the one He pressed against my forehead while i was kneeling at His feet…the same one He commanded i worship, at the start of the session. He pulled my hair back and kissed me hard, bit my lip and did it again. He flicked His tongue in my ear and bit my earlobes…both of them. He made me cum with His hand…and with the hitachi. He used the small flogger on my breasts and pinched my nipple hard. He used the evil little talon clamps, that sink their sharp little points into tender nipple flesh and forced several more orgasms from my body…until the pain in my nipples subsided.
He leaned in and whispered to me, helping me find that place, my center…the place that allows me to take it all in. He told me He loved me, that He was proud of me of how far i have come…even if it took almost 7 years to get there. He whispered things He wants to do to me, things He can do because i am His…because i love and trust Him…i know He will cause no harm. Slowly He removed the ropes that held me so tight…all while telling me about some of the darkness in His head. His hands never felt them leave my body even as He reached over to pick up the expanding plug. He turned me around and slid it in ever so slowly…He turned on the vibrations and gave the expander bulb a few squeezes. He turned me again facing Him and fastened the cuffs to the cross…pressed the hitachi to my clit and forced me to cum again and again, until i couldn’t stop. He wiped my breast with the alcohol and slid a needle into my flesh alongside my nipple. It stung for a few seconds until it was seated.
i cried and my body trembled…i was afraid…i couldn’t look…but i wanted more. He whispered again in my ear, to help me calm my trembling. He wanted me to say what i was becoming, what i had become already. The tears rolled down my face, my body trembled with fear and orgasm at the same time…i was a wanton mess. i begged for another one…until i had 3 in each breast framing my nipples. He held my face and kissed me…He ran His finger lightly over my clit, asking me where else i wanted them. My brain was off, i couldn’t tell Him…i wanted whatever He wanted of me…it didn’t matter. He released me from the cross…wanting me to touch the needles sticking through my flesh…i did, lightly.
He sat me on the futon, making sure i was comfortable. He told me if i was going to pull away or flinch, He would tie me down…i told Him i would be still. He sat on the floor in front of me, with everything He needed within His reach. He flicked my clit…saying “maybe here” i felt myself shutter but said nothing. He wiped the alcohol over my entire mound…then slid a needle into the lip, i yelped and i came. He did it again to the other side…then twice more. i sat there waiting for another, thinking surely He would slide one more, right through the hood…but He didn’t, “not this time” He said. He took His pictures and slid the needles out, blotting little drops of blood as He went along.
He sent me to my knees, telling me to remove the plug, while He undressed. He pulled me close putting my head in His lap for a few minutes…before setting me back to the task of sucking Him off. He pulled me up onto the futon and fucked me…we layed together for a few minutes, until i slid back to the floor, to rest my head in His lap…while He stroked my hair.