Fear and Trembling…

i mentioned in my last post that things have changed, that JB and i have discussed taking down some of my long time limits.  We have been doing this for a few months, i have struggled and i still do…but JB is there to help me through it all.  He assured me He isn’t going anywhere and that look in His eyes is still there as strong as it has always been.  Most of my doubts come from my own insecurities…from the way i was treated in my marriage.  i worry that the further i go into that dark place, i have hidden away, that JB will be somehow freaked out by the freak in me and walk away.  i know in my heart that it won’t happen, but my head is another thing entirely.

i don’t know what changes will occur on this blog, but i do know it won’t be the same as it always has been.  The further we go the more emotions it stirs up…and i don’t know how much of that part of myself, i am willing to share here…but i will try but make no promises as to content .

So fear and trembling…hmmm.  A few weeks ago an order of needles came in…slender ones for play piercing.  They have been sitting in the closet, tormenting my mind…waiting to see what it would be like and fear of the unknown.  Needles have been one of those things i could look at in pictures, but remained firmly on my HELL NO list.  During a session a while back, one i wrote about in November…JB accidently drew blood with the wattenberg wheel.  Since that time, we have talked about it, about how i felt when it happened, about how He felt and about wanting to do it again.

We had a session yesterday…another push past the limits session.  JB used rope to tie me to the cross…He very seldom uses the rope.  He said, while He was securing me, that He didn’t want me sagging like i do in just my cuffs…He was forcing my body to stay upright.  He pressed His body against mine, i could feel the hard on, He brought with Him when He walked into the room, just before our session…the one He pressed against my forehead while i was kneeling at His feet…the same one He commanded i worship, at the start of the session.  He pulled my hair back and kissed me hard, bit my lip and did it again.  He flicked His tongue in my ear and bit my earlobes…both of them.  He made me cum with His hand…and with the hitachi.  He used the small flogger on my breasts and pinched my nipple hard.  He used the evil little talon clamps, that sink their sharp little points into tender nipple flesh and forced several more orgasms from my body…until the pain in my nipples subsided.

He leaned in and whispered to me, helping me find that place, my center…the place that allows me to take it all in.  He told me He loved me, that He was proud of me of how far i have come…even if it took almost 7 years to get there.  He whispered things He wants to do to me, things He can do because i am His…because i love and trust Him…i know He will cause no harm.  Slowly He removed the ropes that held me so tight…all while telling me about some of the darkness in His head.  His hands never felt them leave my body even as He reached over to pick up the expanding plug.  He turned me around and slid it in ever so slowly…He turned on the vibrations and gave the expander bulb a few squeezes.  He turned me again facing Him and fastened the cuffs to the cross…pressed the hitachi to my clit and forced me to cum again and again, until i couldn’t stop.  He wiped my breast with the alcohol and slid a needle into my flesh alongside my nipple.  It stung for a few seconds until it was seated.

i cried and my body trembled…i was afraid…i couldn’t look…but i wanted more.  He whispered again in my ear, to help me calm my trembling.  He wanted me to say what i was becoming, what i had become already.  The tears rolled down my face, my body trembled with fear and orgasm at the same time…i was a wanton mess.  i begged for another one…until i had 3 in each breast framing my nipples.  He held my face and kissed me…He ran His finger lightly over my clit, asking me where else i wanted them.  My brain was off, i couldn’t tell Him…i wanted whatever He wanted of me…it didn’t matter.  He released me from the cross…wanting me to touch the needles sticking through my flesh…i did, lightly.

He sat me on the futon, making sure i was comfortable.  He told me if i was going to pull away or flinch, He would tie me down…i told Him i would be still.  He sat on the floor in front of me, with everything He needed within His reach.  He flicked my clit…saying “maybe here” i felt myself shutter but said nothing.  He wiped the alcohol over my entire mound…then slid a needle into the lip, i yelped and i came.  He did it again to the other side…then twice more.  i sat there waiting for another, thinking surely He would slide one more, right through the hood…but He didn’t, “not this time” He said.  He took His pictures and slid the needles out, blotting little drops of blood as He went along.

He sent me to my knees, telling me to remove the plug, while He undressed.  He pulled me close putting my head in His lap for a few minutes…before setting me back to the task of sucking Him off.  He pulled me up onto the futon and fucked me…we layed together for a few minutes, until i slid back to the floor, to rest my head in His lap…while He stroked my hair.

New Direction…

A couple of months ago, JB told me that He was stepping it up…pushing my limits on everything.  That there was to be a new training schedule…which hasn’t started yet.  The ramping up has started, to a degree, a steady one, which i can handle right now.  i worry about what is to come, i haven’t had the opportunity to talk to Him about things, we used to talk things through before they started and He hasn’t allowed me that time yet.

He has taken humiliation to another level, i am not sure i am comfortable with right now, i am struggling with it for days after a session.  He calls me everyday, but it is Him doing all the talking, there is never a moment when i can say anything.  It seems when i start to say something, He has to get off the phone for one reason or another.  i NEED some time to just sit and talk to Him, no bondage, pain or sex involved…i don’t think i will get that.  i am beginning to feel a distance between us at times, it is troublesome to me.  i dont’ think it is real, but there is a disconnect there and i believe it is from not being able to voice my fears or concerns.

We don’t see each other often enough, for me to adjust to this new direction and i worry that i will disappoint Him.  i worry there will come a day, when i can’t endure what He wants me to, that He will  have had enough and walk away.  i worry everyday that i am not enough, that He will find someone else…or that He already has…that comes from, the lack of time we spend together, i am sure.

Formspring

i started a Formspring account, please feel free to ask anything about my blog…i can’t add the link here because wordpress doesn’t allow it, my username is newsub2006.

i am looking to keep this blog moving along.

thank you all,

lc

Red Droplets

This blog has been quiet for quite some time now.  Things here have been at a stand still with JB healing, we have had several sessions since August.  Sessions that have been not what we are used to and a bit tamer to an extent…although JB certainly has taken me past a few comfort zones.  i haven’t written, mostly because what has been happening with us has been on a more personal level for me.  Things i have wanted to keep to myself, because i have struggled with His injury and the time apart made me loss my place and my center.

We had a session yesterday that changed things for us.  It started out with me, sitting on the futon, not knowing what He wanted from me, which has been the norm the last few months.  i sat there waiting for Him in my robe…so out of focus…so off center.  He came in with a grin on His face, which soon faded away.  He pulled me up into His arms and kissed me, He bit my lip and my earlobe…His breath hot on my neck as His teeth graised my skin…sending shivers down my spine.  He pushed me to the floor, pressing my forehead to the floor…forcing me into a bow at His feet.  It felt right, familiar and right where i needed to be.  He locked on my collar and cuffs and left me on the floor.  He sat on the futon, placing His feet on my ass, using me as a footrest.  He stayed there for a little while, asking “are you centered now?” before getting up.  He knew i was off, He has known it for a long time…He was making it the last day i was off center.

He started out with the flogger, telling me to ask for each strike…because i was still off center, i had a hard time asking…He told me if i wasn’t loud enough asking, i was going to be in the corner for the remainder of the time He was there.  i told Him that i had a hard time asking because it felt wrong…not all the time, but that day.  He decided to just take charge and do as He please, as hard as He please.  He pulled His belt from His pants and tossed the flogger aside.  Each strike was hard, no progression in intensity…all the same and all hard enough to make me cry…something i needed more than i knew i needed myself.

He stopped and walked away letting me collect myself a little bit.  He slipped the bullet vibe inside my cunt, on high.  He picked up the walhenburg wheel and rolled it on the fresh welts…He poked my ass with a bundle of wooded skewers…then He stopped…silent for a few minutes.  He walked around in front of me, pulling me to my knees, tears still flowing and He told me not to freak out.  He told me that He drew a little blood…something that has been a hard limit for me for a very long time.  It was quite accidental, He assured me…but He was glad it happened.  He made sure i was fine, He took a few pictures before continueing.  He had me face the futon, kneeling in front of it…He spanked my bleeding ass again with His belt, He switched to a cane and caned me hard.  He stopped for a short moment to show me the blood on the cane and asked me if it turned me on…surprisingly it did a little bit.  The vibe still buzzing away inside me, bringing to the edge, but not quite over.  He told me to rub my clit, to let Him know when i was close to cumming.  He caned me again, harder than the last time.  He stopped again telling me to tell Him what i wanted…not to be afraid of what i wanted…i asked Him again to make me bleed…He repeated with the wheel and the skewers until He drew more blood.

He sat on the futon and put my Head in His lap…He told me it was time to kick things up a notch, that He wanted more from me.  He asked me if i could handle it, if i could separate what happens in the room from the way i feel about Him and how He feels about me.  He told me there would be more control outside the room as well as inside.  We finished our session, He left my collar and cuffs on until we left, something He never does and it felt right.

We will talk more about what He expects of me, of my new role and expectations.  i am looking forward to the new direction and very nervous at the same time.  i am hoping i am able to handle all He wants from me.

6 Years Together, an open letter to JB

i have this insecurity, i own it, it was there, full swing, before i met you.  It had been growing, for 17 years, before you walked into my life.  It was all i knew until you, but it has weakened in the 6 years we have been together.  You didn’t put it there, but you have made it less of a burden.  You gave me everything i was lacking for so many years.  You allowed me to grow, to be myself, to embrace the woman i hid so well for so many years.

You showed me love, how it feels, how it looks…everytime you look at me.  You embraced every part of me that makes me, me…the woman, the mother…my insecurity, my life, my craziness.  You brought out my submissive side, my inner masochist and never once thought i was sick or twisted, even when i thought that about myself.  You taught me to embrace the real me, to never be ashamed of who i am and in doing that you took away some of my insecurities.  It took you 6 years to undo the damage that was done, with patience, encouragement and most of all love.

i have struggled with my insecurities this past year, a lot.  The time apart has brought it all bubbling back to the top.  As much of it as i show you from time to time, there is a million times more i keep to myself.  All i know for sure, is that i love you with all my heart and soul and it isn’t something i ever want to live without.

Ok…so now that the serious part is done…

i need to feel the pain, that comes without warning, the strike of the cane as you let out a little of the sadist you keep hidden away.  i need to feel the tears sting my eyes, as you push me just past the last limit you set.  The marks you leave on my body, your property, i can feel for days.  The marks that fade when i want them there always.

i love you, Happy Anniversary my Sir!  i am forever changed…

lc

Drive by…

Friday morning JB called and told me He was just up the street and that He was stopping by for a few minutes.  i rushed to get dressed and ready to see him when He got here.  He pulled into my driveway on His bike, He looks so hot riding His Harley.  He gave me a bouquet of flowers for my middle child, who recently celebrated her birthday. Then told me He would meet me next door in our room.  i ran the flowers inside and went to see Him.

He was standing in the room when i got there, looking over a few of our toys.  He turned to talk to me as i sat on the futon…with and older toy that really hasn’t any life left in it.  He walked over to the table and picked up my collar and locked it snuggly around my neck and clipped the leash to the front ring.  He pulled me to my knees on the floor and pushed my forehead to the floor.  He placed His foot between my shoulders and pushed me closer to the floor.  He asked me who was, i cried, i couldn’t answer because for the longest time, i really didn’t know anymore.  He said i was His, “you are my slut, my whore, my girl” i cried more, because He is right, i am His everything.  But, because things have been so stressed with us lately, i just didn’t know anymore where i stood with Him.

He pulled His foot away and told me to untie His boots.  i helped Him take off His riding boots and He pulled my skirt up around my waist…pushing me back to the floor.  He flogged my ass…He flogged my cunt…hard, until i came.  He picked a crop off the wall and slapped my ass…over and over.  He told me to bend over the side of the futon and caned me, telling me to ask for the next one and each following.  He stopped and gave me the bullet vibe, telling  me to tell Him when i was ready to cum, He caned me over and over, small taps that felt like fire on my ass.  Then when i told Him i had enough, He asked like He always does, if i will take a few for Him.  He asked me how many i wanted, i couldn’t answer, because i didn’t know how many more i could take.  He struck me with the cane, telling me to hurry up and give Him a number and that one didn’t count, He hit me again, saying the same thing.  i told Him i would take as many as He wanted to give me, leaving the number to Him, which may in hindsight not been smart.  He gave me 8 very hard strikes, leaving my ass hot and welted.

He undressed Himself and knelt behind me, taking me while i was bent over on my knees.  He came all over my back…it was hot and just what i needed.  i have no doubt in my mind where i belong or where i stand with JB.  Today, my ass i very well bruised, far more than it has ever been.

Lost and Found…

Things have been stressed here, things outside of our relationship are causing issues.  i had a huge meltdown a couple weeks ago, because of these issues.  JB and i have had very little time together…and things get out of hand on the emotional level.  The meltdown started before a trip i took out-of-state, JB came by to see me the day before i left…we sat for a few minutes and just talked…while i knelt at His feet…He stroked my hair while my head was in His lap.  It was calming, but certainly not what i needed…i had hoped that it would be enough to get me through the next few days.  The following day i could feel it starting to bubble up again…the angst, the lost feelings…all of the insecurities that really have no basis but in my own mind.  By the time i was home 2 days later i was in full-blown meltdown, i begged JB to call…the more i begged the more He ignored my pleas to hear His voice.  All this made it far worse than it ever should have been…all i needed was to hear His voice, i wasn’t asking for more than that.

For 4 days i waited and begged for a call, which finally came late afternoon on Tuesday…He wasn’t happy with me, i knew that before He called…i was so lost, my center totally gone…i was on the edge of something i was so not in control of.  We talked briefly and He promised to call me the next day.  i felt a little better, but far from where i should feel.

A week and a half later He finally came to see me…last Thursday.  He sat on the futon and i climbed onto His lap, we kissed and He held me for a while, then He laid beside me on the futon…just still and quiet.  He stroked my hair and wound His hand in my curls…He pushed my head toward His thigh and just held me there…pulling tighter on the handful of hair…until i calmed, the tears started to fall of their own accord.  i didn’t try to stop them and He let me have my moment.  He released my hair for a short moment while He pulled His belt from the loops…He wrapped it around my neck and held it snuggly and wound His hand back up in my hair.  We stayed this was for a while, just laying together.

My tears finally stopped and He pulled my face to His cock, through His jeans i could feel how hard He was.  He pulled me up and tugged at His zipper…and pushed me toward His partially open jeans.  i finished unzipping His pants and freed Him from His jeans.  As quickly as possible, i had Him in my mouth, until that very moment i hadn’t realized how much i had missed sucking His cock.  He pulled me off and got up, He stripped off His clothing and i followed suit.  He placed a towel on the mattress and laid down, telling me to get on and ride Him.  A few minutes later He rolled me off and told me to kneel on the edge, face to the mattress.  He used His belt on my ass.  He tossed the bullet vibe onto the mattress in front of me, telling me to hold it on my clit, then He caned me, slow at first then building…telling me i had to ask for the next.  He didn’t hit me until i asked for it… “please hurt me” i said over and over, until He was satisfied with the welts raised on my ass.  He continued with a flogger, hitting me harder and harder until i had enough.  He asked as He always does ”will you take a few for Me?”  i always say yes.  He chose the long wooden paddle to deliver His spanking.  Six in total, hard and stingy.  When He was done He hung the paddle back on the wall and spanked me hard with His open hand…i don’t know exactly how many times, all i know is that it hurt.   i thanked Him when He was finished and moved to the side of the mattress so He could lay back down.

He pulled me on top of Him and He slid inside.  He told me i wold have to get off as soon as He told me too, that He was going to cum on my face.  When i rolled off, He came, but not on my face, i don’t know why He changed His mind, but it doesn’t really matter.

When we, were done, i felt i was back to were i belonged, back to that place of peace…i am still struggling emotionally, but we are good.  i think once His surgery is done, i will relax a little bit and so will He.  My ass was welted and black and blue, i wasn’t able to sit properly for two days…