Awakenings…

Where to start…not easy i suppose.  i have always had a feeling i was different, strange.  i always had a strong need to please…everyone…always disappointed when i hurt anyone or didn’t complete a task set out before me.  i am a perfectionist at most things…not all.  i am an artist, a mother, a sister, a daughter…a wife. i am married to a man who believes in equality in all things.

About 5 years ago, while surfing the web, not looking for anything in particular…i came across a website.  What i read there said so many things to me…it was as though the words were my own.  i remember sitting and reading over and over, as the tears spilled down my cheeks.  The word i had looked for all my life was there…Submissive.  It was who i was…who i had always been.

My father used to tell me to be a leader, not a follower.  My grandmother would accuse me of allowing my family and friends to take advantage of me…she told me to stand up for myself…that i needed to say no, once in awhile.

i told my husband what i had found…he was uninterested, telling me if he wanted a submissive wife, he would have married the woman his parents chose for him.  He wanted me…to be his equal in all things.  i was, although it was hard to be the one with most of the control in the relationship.  i grew to be accustomed to it…but it stressed me too much.  A year and a half ago, i came across a new website…one i had never seen before, i bookmarked it, i had no time to read through the whole thing and it interested me.  It was The Submissive Wife Project…the premise behind the program is to “be” submissive…that your husband will eventually find his dominant side.  On my 41st birthday, i found the courage to join the forums there.  Not long after i became a monitored member…taking on the prescribed disciplines.  At first i thought maybe it would work…i even imagined that it was working.  It wasn’t, i was a member for over a year, my frustrations grew, my husband seemed to be pulling away from me.  He was, he started sleeping on the couch, didn’t notice i had lost weight…by then it was over 30lbs.  i felt better about my appearance…i thought he would too.  That he would want me, want to make love, to be with me…he didn’t. 

When my 42nd birthday rolled around, i was feeling lost inside myself, i left the project and posted a profile on collarme.  i was drowning in email, within 2 days.  Weeding through them all, a newbie, with no guidance…was frustrating.  i had never chatted online with so many men in all my life.  But, after chatting and really reading what was typed out in front of me, i began to see who was for real and who was looking for kinky sex.

i had narrowed it down to 2…”M” &  “J”…both seemed very real to me and “J” had given me a reference…which i did follow up on.  While waiting for a response from the reference, i started to chat more with “M”…then we talked on the phone.  What He said to me, made me cry.  It was as though He knew me all my life.  We talked online and on the phone everyday for about 2 weeks.  We made plans to meet in person…the plan was to meet at a coffee shop midway between us.  The day before the scheduled meeting, we changed the meeting place to a hotel just 15 minutes from my house.

We met in the parking lot, He brought me white roses…the moment i looked into his eyes, i knew i could trust Him.  We decided to rent a room and spend time getting to know one another.  There was no plans for a session…that day.  But before the afternoon was over, i was tied half dressed to the bed…with His hand firmly around my throat…i knew instantly i was His.