Email to my husband

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Today is a very hard day. Emotions come flooding from every corner of my mind. The realization that i have lost what i had with “M”.

The realization that you still want me even after all i have done. That you had thought of asking me to leave, because you couldn’t do it, to ever forgive me.

The realization that you have no idea who ”i” really am…the woman only “M” knows, is not the one you know. It is like i am two different people and i am having a hard time hiding away me again.

Because i am not sure you can handle who i am, who i have always been, but until a couple years ago couldn’t handle myself. Who ”M” is and what He means to me. He is the one who accepted me for who i am.  He helped me accept who i am and helped to draw her out.

He saw me the very first time He laid eyes on me that day, He saw me because of who He is. He taught me so much about myself, all the things i had hidden away, from everyone including myself. He taught me how to feel…to feel something i had always needed, but didn’t have the strength to voice.

Today hit me hard the realization that i may never feel those things again. He owns the woman i keep hidden away, every emotion, every feeling, every desire. He owns her because i offered her to Him and He accepted her for who and what she is.

He taught me how to be free…tied tight in leather cuffs and rope, how erotic pain can bring extreme pleasure. How He holds me so tightly in His hands and whispers in my ear, can make me beg for more, to never stop holding me so tight…EVER!

How with just His touch and His word, can bring me to the edge, to the very place i need to be, to feel safe, loved and cherished. How every time i was ever with Him, I felt most comfortable on my knees in front of Him, looking into his eyes.

How i would lay my head on His lap and He would stroke my hair, never saying a word. The feeling of His hand gripping my throat, tight but not too tight, while the other pulls my head back with a fistful of hair, kissing me hard. How i never once called him “M”, only Sir.

How he would grab my wrist and pull my arm behind me so tight and i would beg Him not to let go, to hold me tighter, making Him promise to never let me go, that He would never leave me, that He would be with me forever. How He took care of me when we were done. How He would hold me while i slept a bit. How He never once took advantage of me, never taking more than i allowed…EVER.

Today the realization of how very much i miss Him. How I long to be kneeling there in front of Him. How very much i love Him for who He is and who He is to me, what He is to me. The realization that i have no regrets about any of it.

Perhaps a fantasy fulfilled…but one i am not sure i can ever live without, again. Because, i am so afraid to hide her away again, to not feel again. Because i am a submissive, I always have been, i know you have seen it from time to time. But until i met “M”, i never knew the power of the Dominant.

The cuffs, the collar, the ropes, the pain, the pleasure…how none of it is about sex, but about release. How it is not sick and twisted, may be a bit kinky, but not weird.

It is who i am, it is what i need. But it is also something i could never tell you, not even sure i can tell you now. But if i don’t, i risk losing me again and i don’t want to lose me again.

i am so afraid of what all this information will do to you,
mentally. Afraid of what it will do to us, what we are working on trying to keep together…our marriage. Afraid of what you will think of me, how you will look at me. That by telling you all of this, you will realize how much He means to me, because all He has taught me.

The reasons why i struggle to let go…why i hid it all from you
for so long. Afraid to lose Him, afraid i would never feel again…but i have lost him. It scares me to feel so alone…because, telling you all this i fear i will be alone. Because this is NOT who you are.

i love you!